Deviant Depression




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An artwork based on the abuse I had experienced going through a rough time being bullied in 2008, misunderstood and trolled which happened a second time in 2011 this time with a banning.


I have been noted for a strange "alien-like" being so different with different ways and outlook on life and things in general. I often get condemned for who I am and what I am especially by a few conservative people who dont understand that my thoughts, body and mind are wired differently from the rest of the world. From a recent tragedy, which was caused because I felt my Skinning Tutorial which is for all artists and everyone to learn how to skin there 3D figures was censored with a tag thingy. I had been suspended because of it, no one listened to me or explained. I had a very broken heart, and i could not create or draw anything. I thought i had lost my "gift" my inability to create. I could not connect with my imagination, the world I share with you, and slip into it to escape hard times. I decided to fight this "blockage" of not being able to draw with this image, and then in turn forgive and show love, and this is what the outcome is...

I have a little story myself about the fella ting ting.. I want to thank that someone who tried to send me on as a gift two years ago, I don't remember who, and alot has happened, and some people say they send me things and it never arrives possibly because of the postal service , it got lost and so on so forth or reasons that the person ended in a financial bang or just forgot.. as they had so much in life they don't remember.

Well When I was working on this artwork, as you can see my plushy here isn't the real one, and would have photographed my very own if i had one. But my parents saw me working on this image, and they left.. and they murmured to each other ... and what i heard was from them " that thing i threw it away because it looked demonic or something like an alien cross a devil. and also they don't accept me as there daughter and have gender problem, and they not help .....". Yup i lock myself in the room most of the time, as i have asked help from outside and don't get much, and so i lock myself in the room and do art and things on the computer. When they leave i then crawl into the forest, next to the house I live in.

I then realized that that someone did send me it, and i feel very very very awful what my parents had done, who ever you are I am so so so sorry...As i would have loved to have hugged it tight in this depressive moment.. as i don't have anything like this, and only have my pillow, which i sleep with every night. Its just not fair since Laura, Jessica, Tina have there fluffy huggy thingies to hug when they are alone. I certainly missed the time when i stayed with my friends and slept in there arms two years ago...The fella plushy thingy arrived about a year or two ago, when i was away, and my parents got hold of it and got rid of it. I feel heart sore about it and especially for the one who sent it to me who I don't know.

Well the image itself has a story, I describe the image first then the story.. The elf crying holding the Fella ting ting, is a portrait of me. I improved on it
Then the other elf is my guardian, (some people would call her "spiritual guide") but she is my imaginary freind, comforter and lover when i am alone... and often spend tie with her and all my elves in sensual embrace in hard times. She is Zanaria, the queen of the elves. Then on the screen is my page... what it looks like at the time, and then the fairies who play music while Zanaria comforts me and they also motivate me to get to draw and create a new Deviation.

I was so upset what had happened, i lost contact with my Deviants, could not fave there Deviations, and I myself felt like I had been labelled something bad when i have been just myself. I lost interest in drawing and art completely and was planning on very bad things i my life so that it would end. I could not go into my world, i cried, holding my pillow, strangling it as if it would come alive to hug and comfort me. I played my favourite music, Dana International in the background, it eased me a little, but still i could not draw, i could not go into my magical world. Then suddenly a fairy flew into the window and sat on my table, and went "psst !, Zanaria wants to see you, follow me." I was so upset and uptight what happened I had no love in my heart, and had lost the power of the elf, and merly appeared like a depressed human. I threw the pillow at the fairy, which sent her flying off the table.. but luckily her wings kept her from falling or ending up splat against the wall.

"Zana, come with me, please zanaria wants to restore your magic, if you don't, you will end up like a cold human from this curse!".

"O.k," I said , take me there,...i would hate to end up like them, so cold, so firm, so narrow, and so hard."

On the way, grabbed my cigarettes, left my phone, and walked briskly behind the fairy which almost had her bum ending in my face since i was walking faster than she was flying. I started smoking on the way into the forest. The walk seemed longer than normal, as if I was walking from one dimension in another, there were more trees, more flowers and more warm damp air, which felt warm and wet against my skin, with water droplets beginning to form on my dry skin. Moistening it, nourishing it... and eventually removed my clothes as they became uncomfortable, left the cigarettes, and continued to follow the fairy.

Later i heard running water, never been hear fr along time, but it felt strange because normally one would have to walk past allot of human houses to get here.. but there was nothing but trees, nature, and love.

I followed the fairy to a small elvin dwelling growing from the side of the waterfall of my secret place.. and had to swim through the water to get there. The water was cool, and soothing against my skin, and slowly washed away the dryness from the human world away. I arrived and zanaria was there, she greeted me and gave me a long hug and kiss..

"You feel dead, lil one, i know what has happened, as I can see ..." She took me inside the dwelling and i sat on a large warm algae covered fungus rubbery floor, and looked at a screen which came from the roof. If showed my Deviantart page, the way I see it, not my visitors.

"Zanaria, get that away from me... " i flumped down and lay and started to cry.. All the fairies that were flying around in the area stopped what they were doing and all seemed to have had there attention on the drama. Zanaria gently reclined beside me and held me tight against her warm body, emitting love and warmth into mine, pushing the inner pain within my own body, out through my eyes as tears. It flowed from her hands, and skin into mine.

"look what I have found!" Zanaria giggled... I found it in the trash outside your house the one night and i was crying when i saw your parents throw it away.
I looked up, and she was dangling a Fella plushy in my face... I looked at it and I took it and thanked her, holding it tight against my chest. squeezing it, as i cried more, She pointed at the screen, see its not long you will be back, to show the world about love with our magic..

"I want you to draw a Deviation, a Deviation of love and healing, for me, you can do it.." As she was talking a fairy from one end, came with a quill pen, and the other with a paper with a Deviant logo.

As i tried to draw, A fairy came and sat on my leg and started to play the flute , a song, an old ancient Elvin tune that sounded like a Celtic song or chant... it was full of healing.. Zanaria sang new words to the tune for me, for you, for Deviantart, for the world, while she stroked my hair and body, with warmth and light flowing from her touch from her heart through her body into mine... She began to play clearly against the running water with the tune that braught tears to your eyes, and soften the heart..
The Elvin Magick of Love chant:

I wonder when I look at life, and you may see.
Its leaves has weaped over mystery.
Its dwellers don't understand what they fully see.
Unravelled grass can lavender bloom.
Unravelled forests can lead path to desserts of doom.

For hope has a place in your loving heart.
For hope has a place in a loving heart.

When winter returns, and makes life hard times.
The air evenly flows, through your ocean tides
One hope, one place may end or it may start

Yearn to Love, and learn to love and you may dream
And if it should leave may your love have wings and be free.
Then search your heart, there is more to see
When hope is full, your heart is free.

Many roads in life are long and dull, and hard.
Let love rise and never let it depart.
Let hope have a place in your loving heart.

May love wash away your tears and make your heart free.
May love make new hope, new dreams and fantasy.


Then i completed the drawing and gave it to her, and she grabbed me and held me tight, and our tears dried up, life flowed in our eyes, and cries turned into laughter and giggles, nose rubbing and kisses.. Some elves who walked past joined in chatting, playing, giggeling,hugging and kissing, then music filled the air as some carried instruments and started singing...

I was so peaceful and calm , being loved I closed my eyes and feel asleep...peacefully ... with a a fairy kissing me on the cheek.

I hope you enjoyed the deviation, created from magic and love from the center of my heart to you..
Enjoy ((^_^)) p.s you free what ever you wish to do with it, as its a gift to you... all.




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Copyright Danielle C Lamb

 (Zana Elfy, Zana International)