I AM(XXY/Intersex Trauma and abuse relief art)

    

 

 

(click to view/download full size)

 

 

 

This is therapy artwork which I had done as the months from April 2011 to June 2011 were the most horrific events in my life where I had experienced rejection when discovering the truth about myself to the point it lead me to be banned from deviantart, and deteriorated in mental well being and also the fear of my parents coming to visit me in the UK. After doing this painting a lot of the hurt, fears and pain of rejection and abuse which I had throughout my life and especially doing those months were removed from my conscious being onto canvas. In June i had felt relieved when getting my first dress as a gift from my mother, and being told that I had been born with both, if it wasn't for this painting I don't think my mother and father would truly have seen my feelings, on the secret that had been kept from me all these years and the pain that went through inside me.

 

 

Today 18th June my mum bought me my first dress from her, I was so much in tears of happiness, It was a dream come true, and my mum did say I was born with both and she feels awful about what was done to me and did not say anything hoping that I would switch back to living as a male according to the books, as she said the doctors said I would be better off as a male than female which was actually wrong... when looking at this painting on my wall and I had been born with two intersexed conditions, or better positively said characteristics.

 

The text that is said above the strand of DNA in the extra terrestrial font says "I AM".

 

 

 

 

The Silent Scream

The feeling of being isolated cut off and pushed in the corner.

The worst nightmare of my life, has gone to long..

Everyday is a battle of emotions, the cycle of rejection.

I do not understand this inhumane treatment

The difficulty of explaining myself, the invisible gag

The bondage of my self expression, creativity

The bondage of my existence and to be.



My blood pressure boils on the fire of panic

The rejection based on the basis of what I am.

All I wish for is to be loved, accepted, and tolerated

The never ending torment of rejection and isolation

Why do people do this to me, do they get amusement from it ?

The agony and pain, the lack of understanding…

The silent scream of my voice on the still winds

The cold air holds my words, unable to express myself



What crimes have I committed to be rejected?

I try grab the hands of people longing for love and acceptance.

They pull there arms away as if I have an incurable disease..

The ache of my heart throbbing to the beat of time…

All I can wish for is the pain and agony to end,

That is the pain of rejection, isolation… I cannot go on in life

With a consciousness that has been broken and destroyed.

Please stop this, its killing me inside.


Living Pain of Isolation, Rejection



The corner of isolation is society’s deposit on me.

The painfull spot that I had been placed in.

It tears at my heart, it tears and rips me up inside.

It kills me inside, like a ravaging beast, an unsettled snake

A worm that bites into the heart, strangles it and eats it.



So many shadows, so much darkness in here

Unrecognition of society, the chopping off of things.

The cutting off of being something, like a discarded limb.

I can’t handle this rejection and isolation…

Why do people do it, and continue with it, when I scream in pain?

The pain was so unbearable, life lost its meaning and purpose.

The pain is like an unsettled leech, sucking my essence and creativity.

I wish it to stop… this rejection… this isolation.. please make it stop.

Would you like to go through this pain ?

Then why do it to me ?

Rejection is the shadow of things…

A parasite that lingered with me from the day I was born,

Through bullying at school to present day interacting with people.

The reason being is that I am different from the norm,

Biologically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually…

And genetically …. shiva-shakti aka Complex or Undetermined.





I try to explain for clarity, for tolerance for understanding.

I get ignored, ridiculed, judged and assumed…

Blocked, Banned, Tossed, Censored, Pushed Away..

Assumed to be assumptions before completing my voice.

The voice that that is suppressed and silenced..

I don’t know why people suppress my voice,

I don’t understand why they would reject me…

Running on assumption without having ears to hear…

 

 

 

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Copyright Danielle C Lamb

 (Zana Elfy, Zana International)